WHEN WRITERS GET BLOCKED: Breeds of Discontent

(NOTE: Writers have issues, especially the more sensitive. The rants about where the book is going are temporarily shelved to address another important issue that plagues every writer worth his or her thin skin. Insensitive writers could care less about rants or issues. They sit with their laptops in the local Starbucks and crank out prose by the ream, only looking up to sneer at the barista that sweeps the floor and replenishes the napkin holders between making strawberry-cherry-mocha-soy milk lattes. The barista doesn’t like the insensitive writer that much either. He or she should quit sitting around and get a real job. This is difficult for the insensitive writer since many video stores have closed and those still open are not hiring new staff.)


Writing isn’t easy, and when writer’s block hits, it’s impossible. No words will smash into each other on the page like senior prom dancers zonked on overproof rum-spiked punch. You stare at the screen or the paper and nothing comes. Insecurity creeps in, confidence skulks out. The hours turn into more hours and hands tremble over the keys unable to start a simple sentence. Brain refuses to function. Whatever happens outside the window becomes very interesting, even an airshaft.

Some claim that writer’s block is caused by excessive use of alcohol and recreational drugs, listening to popular music, and improper diet. These reasons are hogwash since any of the above can be used to the writer’s benefit. A semi-comatose writer does not question his or her talent, especially one deafened by the White Stripes and bloated with Doritos. Mind you, they can’t write worth a damn either.

The block has its source in the usual calamities: the agent dumps you, a colleague says your work is dull and pointless, a receding hairline recedes further, rent is two months late and going for three, a girlfriend or boyfriend or partner finds someone better, the refrigerator conks out with nothing to spoil except ice cubes, a novel written by a hack first-timer hits the best-seller lists and it’s better than anything you’ve come up with, cable is cut off from lack of payment, and the water stain on the ceiling keeps getting bigger. The result is that you cannot write. Not a word. Not even email or a postcard. You’re screwed.

SURMOUNT, DO NOT SUCCUMB

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, the walking and talking polymath, had this as a maxim: Mut veloren, alles veloren (Courage lost, all lost). Copy in big letters on a sheet of paper and hang it over your desk. Keep writing and you, too, might be a cultural center. Likely not but one never knows.

Never blame. Tossing around blame is dumb. Yes, this year’s summer movies sucked, the healthcare initiative was a bust, last night’s gnocchi boiled into unappetizing goo, and Lady GaGa’s last seventeen outfits were an assault on the eyes. Big deal. You have most of your fingers and part of your brain. This is enough to tell a story that will enrich writer and reader.

Change how you do what you do. Write while standing if you depend on a chair, or go for the horizontal on the divan bought at a yard sale, the one with sprung springs twisting through the brocade upholstery. Have a clear narrative to follow, like Bob and Sam go to the haberdashery store and try on gloves. What is the relationship between Bob and Sam? How do they get to the store? Are the gloves expensive? Let Bob and Sam shoplift at least three items and they have to match. No argyles, please.

Take a page from a novel or short story by a favorite writer and type it out. This will get the feel of writing well into your starved fingers. Take a page from a novel or short story by a writer you despise for the right reasons and type it out. Now go through and rewrite the junk until the prose starts singing a happy tune. This is only plagiarism if you publish the thing under your own name. Use the name of a former employer instead.

Rummage through old notebooks and travel journals for ideas. They may be ridiculously out of date or full of blather about the human imperative, but a source is a source. Make the embarrassing less so with retrospective speculations. The result will still be embarrassing so delete it. Write something new, better, shinier, and with fewer big words.

Never, ever, give up. Writing is how we come to understand each other, and still carries a weight and power undiminished by technological advances. Support other writers as you stumble through another depressing day of not one original thought in your head, buy books, go to readings, sit in your local library, and know that tomorrow you will start on your best work. Got it?


FORGET THE LITTLE BALD PUPPY, ADOPT A BIG HAIRY DOG

Missing from the last post was a plug for THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95). For many readers and writers, this book is an essential part of their home libraries. Now you can purchase one for your very own from an independent bookstore. Log on to www.indiebound.com, where friendly bits and bytes will provide directions. I mean, heck, THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95), is a treasure that cannot be measured in mere lucre. Now that I’ve mentioned the book twice, can I go play outside?


NEXT: Bones for the Boneless

EDITING ON DEADLINE OR CLOSE ENOUGH: Chew Toys for the Lonely


(NOTE: For a number of reasons, none of them true, THE DOG has been on temporary leave. Mr. Detroit is lying when he says the major cause is laziness. Only a quick brown fox would jump over a lazy dog. The first healthy royalty check came in and a trip to the Grand Caymans was necessary to fill an offshore account and price island getaways with Wi-Fi. Beachfront parties sponsored by frivolous bankers made adding new posts impossible. Be assured THE DOG still barks.)


Many freelance editors work in conjunction with agents and subject to their deadlines. Once the in-house editors are done shedding dead skin from healing sunburns, the fall selling season begins and agents wrestle with their clients to pull together the best, most dynamic, and thrilling proposals. The overview, about the author, marketing and promotion plan, competition, table of contents, chapter summaries, and sample chapter have to sparkle or the editor will write off the agent and the project.

I have the luck of working with Nancy Ellis-Bell, known as the bulldog for her tenacity. We started going through the proposals for business books and other nonfiction in September, and carried on through October with a brief respite for the annual Northern California Independent Booksellers convention. Cynthia Frank kept her promise to continue promoting THE DOG past its first year and had a signing for the book. Forty had their title pages scribbled on in less than an hour. More manuscripts came in soon after and Nancy needed other proposals tightened and teased for her meetings.

Proposals call for hours of writing copy that is cut down and rewritten, and only to be written again. The hardest part is the marketing and promotion plan. Editors always want more material, and days of online research result in bad tempers and keyboard abuse. After the hair-pulling, second-guessing, and animal sacrifices to appease the gods, there are thirty pages that someone smarter than you reads and immediately points to what you had missed.

We hammered at mutual keyboards early in the morning and late at night. Her enthusiasm zipped through the telephone wire to infect me. In book publishing, we don’t do enthusiasm until 50,000 copies are sold. Since she broke the rule first, I figured following along was safe. She got on the plane with a bundle of manuscripts in hand and others sent ahead to her hotel in Manhattan. Her last trip turned weird in the first couple of days when she was offered a contract for her own book, THE PARROT WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS A DOG (Random House, July 2008, $23.00). We’ll see how she fares this season.


NEWS YOU CAN ABUSE

James Frey had expected a morbidly obese royalty check for his A MILLION LITTLE PIECES before the purported memoir was exposed as a ridiculous fraud. He blamed his publisher, agent, editor, and a low-flying mallard drake for his indiscretion, yet none of the blame stuck and a class action suit followed. On November 2, details of the final settlement were released: Of the $2.35 million Random House held for the case, $783,000 went to the attorneys, $432,000 was spent on publicity about the settlement, and $27,348 in refunds was mailed to 1,729 claimants. Another $180,000 was divided between the American Red Cross, the Hazelden clinic Frey slandered in the book, and First Book. Rumors the American Bar Association sent flowers to Frey have not been confirmed.


On November 13, Judith Regan has let rip her promised lawsuit on former employer, HarperCollins, to the fanciful tune of $100 million. The 72-page document accused an executive at Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp., parent company of HarperCollins, of a smear campaign to protect Rudy Giuliani and his presidential aspirations. Seems that his former Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik was involved with Regan when she had her own imprint at HarperCollins, and has recently been indicted on federal corruption charges. Ms. Regan also says the screeching over OJ Simpson’s IF I DID IT cast her as an “unethical businesswoman devoid of any integrity,” and the New York Times story about her anti-Semitic comments was pure poppycock. Publishing never has been and never will be for the weak of stomach.


BUY MY BOOK OR I’LL SHOOT THIS KITTEN


Black Friday comes at the end of this week. This is biggest sales day for retail stores and an indicator of how books will sell during the Christmas season. What better time to hit your local independent bookstore or even a chain store with credit card in your reckless hand? Save the kitten and purchase multiple copies of THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95). Don’t take my word. Take this happy reader’s opinion instead:

I met Sal in 1988 when we worked on my first book, THE GLIDING FLIGHT. From day one, his enthusiasm for ideas and disdain for nonsense made every page better. Finally, he’s written down some of that straightforward wisdom. Every page of THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET crackles with sharp, practical advice every writer ought to read.
From the cover to the biting descriptions in the resource list, THE DOG has teeth. It’s writers’ boot camp you can read in an afternoon and spend a career internalizing.
Everybody needs an editor. If you think you can’t afford one, you should at least own this book. It’s like having Sal in the room, making everything you write a heck of a lot better.

—John M. Collins, author of THE GLIDING FLIGHT, RETURN TO THE FOLD, and FANTASTIC FLIGHT


Zip over to Red Hot Book Review (www.redhotbookreview.com) for an interview with Lauren Smith about THE DOG. Read fascinating answers to questions like: What is your book about? Why did you write it? What do you think is the biggest misconception about getting published? What are some qualities an author needs to have to become published (besides being a good writer)? How is the publishing industry changing and how will it affect future writers looking to become published?


While you are online, T.J. Sullivan has a post on his site about plans to preserve the 5124 De Longpre Avenue home of Charles Bukowski, writer of the quote gracing the cover of THE DOG. Read the news at www.tjsullivanla.com/2007/09/is-this-that-bukowski.html


NEXT: Water Bugs in the Water Bowl