USING THE RIGHT WORD RIGHT NOW: Panache for Puppies

(NOTE: This holiday season, forget friends and relatives and buy presents only for you. They can take care of themselves, at least those that still have a job. Books are the best presents: saucy and tame books, silly and serious books, useful and useless books, and scary and placid books. Go to www.indiebound.com for the nearest independent bookstore, slap cash on the counter, and get crazy with fat bound pages of type and adventure. Greater sales will force the publishing industry to stop wasting time staring up its Twitter and get back to making books. In these perilous times, think of yourself first and let others take a distant second or third, especially those with questionable fashion sense.)


John McPhee is said to have replied to an interviewer who asked about a picture being worth a thousand words, “Yes, but the right word is worth a thousand pictures.” So why do writers insist on using the wrong word? Corrupt usage. Words and phrases that started out meaning one thing have been corrupted by series of dumb people into meaning something else or nothing at all. Below are the most misused of the bunch. There will be more unless writers smarten up and think before whacking the keyboard.




SURREAL, SURREALISTIC, SURREALISM: Has ever a word been more misunderstood? Guillaume Apollinaire, the walking wounded of Montparnasse, coined the word “surrealism” in 1917 for the introduction printed in the theater program to Jean Cocteau’s play, PARADE. The original spelling was “sur-realism,” meaning “beyond real,” and was adopted by French artists unsatisfied with the nihilism of Dada. André Breton was the main theoretician and arbiter of surrealism as shown in his 1924 MANIFESTO OF SURREALISM:

SURREALISM, n. Psychic automatism in its pure state, by which one proposes to express—verbally, by means of the written word, or in any other manner—the actual functioning of thought. Dictated by thought, in the absence of any control exercised by reason, exempt from any aesthetic or moral concern.

ENCYCLOPEDIA. Philosophy: Surrealism is based on the belief in the superior reality of certain forms of previously neglected associations, in the omnipotence of dream, in the disinterested play of thought. It tends to ruin once and all every other psychic mechanism and to substitute itself for them in solving all the principal problems of life….

(André Breton, MANIFESTOES OF SURREALISM, translated by Richard Seaver and Helen R. Lane, Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, 1969)

Now you have no excuse for throwing this word around where it doesn’t belong, and also frustrate colleagues at will with your erudition. Being smarter is always a burden.


AMERICAN DREAM: The next time you read or hear the phrase “American Dream,” ask the writer or speaker for a definition. Those that do not hide behind “everyone knows” will flush red at being exposed as a semi-literate poseur. Historian James Truslow Adams laid out the dream in his book, THE EPIC OF AMERICA (Boston: Little Brown & Company, 1931):

“The American Dream is that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for every man, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement…. It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position.”

Heady stuff, right? For further consideration, get down to that local independent bookstore and pay retail for THE AMERICAN DREAM: A SHORT HISTORY OF AN IDEA THAT SHAPED A NATION by Jim Cullen (NY: Oxford University Press, 2003).


HUMAN NATURE: Stop and think for a long time before sticking this one on the page as an explanation for why someone does something. The generalized dictionary definition says that human nature is the sum of qualities and traits shared by all humans, but what are the qualities and traits? No one knows for sure, or they refuse to let the information trickle down to the ordinary man or woman waiting for a bus.

Basic human drives are just like those belonging to our hairy forbearers—eating, copulation, safety, goofing around, and status seeking—and anything else is still debated. An individual like that bozo in the cubicle next to yours can be selfish and competitive compared to the friendly and habitually honest you. Who is showing examples of human nature, both or neither? Philosophers during the Age of Enlightenment in the eighteenth century dug deep with sharp shovels through layers of culture and social conditioning to find what was truly shared by the entire human race. They came up with fancy notions like benevolence and self-interest as being part of human nature, and later philosophers disproved these with big words in foreign languages.

For those unwilling to embrace Jean-Jacques Rousseau, or give up on the concept and pound down egg nog until the confusion goes away, get a copy of Noam Chomsky and Michel Foucault’s, THE CHOMSKY-FOUCAULT DEBATE: ON HUMAN NATURE (NY: New Press, 2006) and ON HUMAN NATURE, revised edition (NY: Harvard University Press, 2004) by Edward O. Wilson.


BUY ONE, BUY FOUR

Lighten your wallet and brighten your prose with multiple copies of THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, 2006). As the decade of doom comes to a close, a swell book with a nifty cover full of literate advice is good to have on hand. Plus, a portion of the cover price will go directly to the writer. This is called a royalty.


NEXT: New Fashions for the Unleashed

BROWN AND SERVE: Whimpers on the Doorstep


(NOTE: Many readers mistake satire for the Greek word, satiros, meaning to rest one’s hindquarters on an inflated object, usually round. This is wrong. Satire comes from the Latin satira, and is used to label those works concerned with making fun of human folly, avarice, stupidity, bad temper, questionable clothing choices, and anyone else’s hair comb-over. This snotty branch of literature makes more enemies than friends, much like the office manager who drinks too much at holiday parties. You never know when satire hits. Maybe you will, or just sit until someone says it’s time to go home.)

Special to the LONDON DAILY INBRED
September 10, 2009

Readers around the world anticipate the six-million-copy release this week of Dan Brown’s follow-up to his previous books featuring academic sleuth Robert Langdon. THE LOST SYMBOL promises to be welcomed in the same spirit as his earlier thrillers, ANGELS & DEMONS and THE DA VINCI CODE. Everyone is happy that the author is poised to once again dominate the bestseller lists, none more so than our blessed Bonnie Prince Charlie.

In a press statement handed out on Friday, HRH The Prince of Wales announced that the Prince’s Trust, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping unemployed young people, is sponsoring the first PUBLISH AND PERISH public burning on Sunday, September 13, 1500 GMT. Two accredited executioners will escort Mr. Brown in chains to the recycled stainless steel pole erected in Trafalgar Square near Nelson’s Column, and set the author on fire.

According the statement, “Britons have been deprived of bloodsport ever since the banning of the fox hunt in 2005, and Guy Fawkes Day just doesn’t have the punch necessary for a jolly nice bacchanal. The Prince has warned Mr. Brown on many occasions that his books have put an awful strain on the environment and he should stop writing at least until he learns how to write. Since so many have been printed, used bookshops refuse to accept them, and we’ve got stacks of the things cluttering our beautiful countryside. A Brown novel is a barely a one-time read, never mind twice stepping into that shallow pool. Every henhouse and carport from London to Newcastle Upon Tyne is jammed with copies of his books, paper and hardcover. Recycling companies work overtime to keep pace and they are continually overwhelmed. Every Briton sincerely believes no book should be banned but enough is enough. We’re burning the author to preserve what little is left of our environment.”

The festivities include the parade to post through downtown London, where spectators are encouraged to throw GMO tomatoes and factory-farm eggs at Mr. Brown. Booker prize winner Salman Rushdie has agreed to act as master of ceremonies. “We also want a bit of music for the young people,” said Wynn Shacklesup, one of the organizers. “Is Oasis back together again? I can never keep up and Coldplay refuses to answer our calls.”

America’s Presto Log has donated several hundred pounds of their famous fuel for the fire. In accordance with the PUBLISH AND PERISH commitment to a low impact event, the logs are made of only the lowest quality sawdust, wood shavings, and any newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch. “I’d pay good money to see him roasting as well,” said Shacklesup. “He’d make a fine fire. Maybe next year.”



HRH The Prince of Wales is keen to throw the first match, since the original idea came from him. “Better to burn in Trafalgar than rule at Random House UK,” said Prince Charles. Sponsors include Guinness, celebrating its 250th anniversary, Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles, and Marmite. Marks & Spencer will offer limited edition tee shirts and scarves, with proceeds going to the Prince’s Trust.

WIN! WIN! GET SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING!

Here’s the skinny: Answer two skill-testing questions and Cypress House sends you a free copy of THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH. Yes, indeed, a free copy. Cypress House even sticks the book in an envelope and throws on the postage. This is the book you’ve always wanted, one that tells the truth about publishing, how to publish, and how to write well. Anyone who can read the alphabet from A to Z wants a copy of THE DOG and now you can grab one without bending that over-limit VISA card. Here are the questions:

What is the title of Thomas Pynchon’s first novel?
Where did it take place?

Send your answers to salglynn@aol.com. Winners will be announced next blog.


NEXT: Panache for Puppies

WRITING IS WAITING: Distemper of Our Times

(NOTE: Most human interaction is not a lot of fun. There are few people you can impress while wearing tattered jeans and a tee shirt, but their numbers increase thanks to social networking. Appearances need no longer be a worry thanks to the new killer apps. Hooray! Go wild and slip into the slinky, daring, and revealing before you approach the keyboard. No one will ever know, especially after you close the blinds against the creep across the street that has his telescope trained on your window.)


WORDS COLLIDE ON NEURAL PATHWAY, ADJECTIVES UNHARMED

Writing takes patience. The computer has to boot up, the coffee be ready, and the neighbor answer his or her annoying alarm clock before any work is started. Confronting the blank screen with a blank mind only makes for a longer delay. What do I say? How do I say it? Should I darn socks instead? The answers come while you are waiting.

John Gardner got stuck when writing his MICKELSSON’S GHOSTS (NY: Knopf, 1982 and if you haven’t read this novel yet, shame on you). Jessica, his heroine, was offered an hors d’oeuvre at a party and John had no idea whether or not she accepted it. His equivocating over the scene showed him that he knew nothing about her. Instead of soldiering on, he stopped and went into his workshop to build furniture. He waited until Jessica became a fully realized character and decided about the hors d’oeuvre, left his workshop for his study, and began writing again.

Waiting is not the same as writer’s block on account of writer’s block is used too often as an excuse for substance abuse. Either you want to write or you don’t. If you do, nothing will stop you, not sciatica, a pile of rejection slips taller than your stack of manuscripts, bad weather, good weather, the rash that refuses to heal even with prescription ointment, blurred vision, past due rent, hangnails, and broken pipes. Writers write, or think about writing.

For those under deadline, waiting is not acceptable and action must be taken to shake off the mental torpor. Here a few tricks to help re-start the words.


TAKING UP THE PEN

Go to the kitchen table and open the windows and doors for lots of air. Take a pen (that stick you use to sign checks) and paper and copy out the last paragraph you wrote before getting stuck. Now start scribbling. Being away from your laptop is kind of fun, right? Treat writing by hand like finger painting, with swirls when you need them and harsh lines blocking out the color. After you fill five or six pages, return to the computer and keyboard the stuff. Now you are better.





HUNT AND PECK TO SUCCESS

Okay, the handwriting made your fingers cramp and you did not like the results. Return to the kitchen table and this time bring along a manual typewriter. You should have one in the back of your bedroom closet or next to the case of 40W oil in the garage. Take the machine out of its case and clean with a toothbrush and rags. Roll in a fresh sheet of paper, stare at the keys in post-modern wonder, and type. Think of how many fat novels and wild, intense treatises have been knocked out in such a manner. Samuel Clemens lost a fortune investing in one of the early typewriters; Dashiell Hammett used to walk Market Street in San Francisco, picking up flyers to use for his first typed drafts. Join the tradition.


BLAME THE MUSES

When the words still refuse to show themselves, this may be the result of forces outside of your control. The nine daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne known as the muses are messing with you. Calliope takes care of epic song, Clio is history, Euterpe inspires lyric song, Melpomene does tragedy, Terpsichore is the dance, Erato fills the dirty mind with erotic poetry, Polyhymnia cleans up with sacred song, Urania looks to astronomy, and Thalia gives comic relief and the poetry of sylvan glades. Homer asked his chosen muse to sing to him before starting THE ODYSSEY. You can sing to all of them for not handing out their gifts in a timely fashion:

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all, you never call, baby
When you say you will, but I love you still
I need you, more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten,” you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then
I went to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

Baby, baby, try to find
A little time and I'll make you happy
I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone, waiting for you

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all, you never call, baby
When you say you will, but I love you still
I need you, more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

You were my toy but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so?

Baby, baby, try to find
A little time and I'll make you happy
I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone, waiting for you

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all, you never call, baby
When you say you will, but I love you still
I need you more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

I need you more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

“Build Me Up Buttercup” by Mike d'Abo and Tony Macaulay
Copyright © EMI Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music Inc.


You can also read a swell book titled, THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET:AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95), available at fine independent bookstores everywhere.



NEXT: Whimpers on the Doorstep

BOOKS MAKE A HOME MORE CROWDED: Another Collar


(NOTE: Charles Darwin will celebrate the 150th anniversary of his THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES in November. This is a worthwhile book to have and read but there is no reason to rush out and buy a copy on account of Mr. Darwin is no longer alive to enjoy his piece of the action. Many dead writers have the same problem. While they may not have taken their royalties with them, having the checks forwarded would be a nice gesture. This includes film rights.)


MAKING A HOME LIBRARY

Every home needs a library, no matter if you live in a prefab McMansion, cramped studio apartment, or dull condominium. All your stuff is a reflection of who you are: the photographs and art prints on the walls serve as reminders of where you’ve been and with whom, comfortable furniture says you like sitting around, and home entertainment systems tell how much you care about what you listen to and watch. These are dandy, but a home is not truly a home until there are shelves loaded with books.

Your library should consist of what you like. There is no “must have” list to consult. Mysteries? Line them up. The same goes for cooking and cookery, biography, history, science, novels, poetry, or reference books. Recycle the ones you will never read or have read and dislike. A home library does not have to be all-inclusive or expansive, only filled with your interests. Paperbacks can sit next to hard covers without causing any serious zoning problems. Any guest that ridicules your selection should be politely shown the door. You don’t want those people around anyway.



SHELVING MATTERS

In a world better than the abysmal wallow we currently plod through, part of high school curriculum would include building bookshelves. Students learn how to choose woods, saw, sand, countersink screws, and use a spirit level. Since this is unlikely to happen, most people purchase ready-made shelves. Particleboard is a mistake (the crap bows under any weight), so is metal, and dark woods dampen an otherwise bright room. How tall the shelves need to be depends on what you put on them. For those whose taste runs to art books, the shelves should be at least 14 inches apart and likely more. Mass-market paperbacks are 7 inches tall, and hardcover fiction and nonfiction run about 9 inches. Add another inch so there will be no cramping. The measuring tape is your friend.

Wherever the shelves are placed, make sure no direct sunlight hits them. Red book jackets will be bleached to pink in no time under the effects of full spectrum light, and green and yellow and teal also get drained of their original brightness. Sun is brutal on books of all colors. You want light? Go buy a lamp.

ORGANIZE FOR THE HECK OF IT

Save the Dewey decimal system for your next visit to the public library. This is yours and organization is all about what works for you. Should you line the books alphabetically by title or author? What works is more important than what someone else might think. For those with a heightened visual sense, try separating by color. Rimbaud scribbled out: “I invented the color of vowels!—A black, E white, I red, O blue, U green…” Use this for a start while dullards have to make do with whole words.



Those with a range of interests will want to make divisions by genre: cookery here, science fiction there, and racier stuff at the top so the kids won’t get into it until they grow tall enough or learn how to use a chair. Every book is valid so what goes first never matters, only that you can find it when you want. If you live with other people ask their opinions so you can ignore them.

HOW TO BUY BOOKS

Come on, think for a moment. The best place to buy books is at an independent bookstore. They need the help and so do the impecunious writers whose work sits in their shops. Big chain stores will need the help about two days after Earth is sucked into a giant black hole and shot across the galaxy to a new solar system. Since this is not going to happen anytime soon, check the Yellow Pages or log on to IndieBound (www.indiebound.org) for the nearest and friendliest bookstore in your neighborhood. Buy several copies of THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95). Special orders will be cheerfully filled.


NEXT: Distemper of Our Times

SHOP UNTIL YOU HAVE TO: Trimming the Claws


(NOTE: Spare moments are few and many moments are a lot. The non sequitur remains the same while logic avoids the stain of fun by staying indoors when the sun shines bright outside. Have a heart or two as the days grow shorter and the chill winds blow. Call those less fortunate who shovel snow in Wisconsin and watch network television as they wait for antidepressant medication to be delivered. Tell them the truth: you are having a terrific time not being there.)


BUY NOW, ASK ME HOW


Our economy may be taking its last swirls around the drain, yet we still have our health (without affordable health insurance), our homes (only for renters; home owners wait for eviction notices), and our jobs (except those who have been tossed out due to cutbacks). A thinner wallet this holiday season means we can celebrate without giving expensive and hard to maintain gifts from Versace and Sony. Go straight ahead to books for everyone on your list, even those you owe money. The spectacular books below are written by fine people and deserve your best ribbons and bows. Log on to www.indiebound.org for the nearest independent bookstore. Get something for yourself while going through the shelves. No, that one is a complete waste of time. These are better.


THE HOWLING MILLER by Arto Paasilinna (NY: Canongate/Grove, 2007), $14.00

After fighting in World War II, Gunnar Huffman retreats to a small village in Northern Finland and refurbishes a forgotten mill. The locals accept the newcomer until he starts howling late at night. Sometimes a man just needs to let a good one out, a scream against loneliness and loss or as a celebration of fortune’s arrival in the form of an attractive horticulture adviser. The villagers turn on Gunnar for being too much of an individual and send him to a mental institution. He escapes, howling through the woods. This fine storytelling has been kept away from non-Finnish readers until now. Paasilinna, the author of over twenty other novels, published MILLER in 1981 and we have had to wait 26 years for the English translation. Give to the Gunnar on your list, who needs this more than a rechargeable nose-hair trimmer.

THE PARROT WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS A DOG by Nancy Ellis-Bell (NY: Harmony Books, 2008), $23.00

Nancy wanted a bird for the usual reasons: bright plumage, companionship, and fun. What she found was Peg Leg, a one-legged blue and gold macaw that she renamed Sarah on account of Satan was taken. This ultimate idiopathic three-year old is given to loud curses, steals the dogs’ food and stares them down, and rearranges Nancy’s life as she heals the bird from years of captivity. People who like animals, not people who are animals, will take to this memoir. Some readers will be shocked when Nancy admits to letting Sarah take sips of her gin and tonic. I mean, it’s not like she was drinking Tanqueray. Sarah preferred Gordon’s.

ROCKABYE: FROM WILD TO CHILD by Rebecca Woolf (Berkeley, CA: Seal Press, 2008), $15.95

Hipster, club-hopping, pointy-toed shoe wearing, and serial dating Rebecca finds out she is pregnant, and her response is a panicked “holy shit.” She goes bravely into motherhood without the help of the usual vices or dippy guidebooks, only a whole bunch of heart and her boyfriend, Hal. Her loss of reckless independence is balanced by what she gains in the birth of her son, Archer. What a woman! Okay, I’ve known Rebecca since before she became a mom and I still like this book. In October of this year she gave birth to a daughter, Fable, who already shows signs of being as strong-willed as her mom. The royalties from ROCKABYE go toward a decent education for both children and also keep Rebecca writing. Buy lots of copies and buy often.


THE CAREFUL WRITER: A MODERN GUIDE TO ENGLISH USAGE by Theodore M. Bernstein (NY: Free Press, 1993)

Any writer who says they know everything about how to write is a twit. Writers need reference books, especially beginning writers. This absolutely vital and necessary handbook was originally published in 1965 and does not show its age. Two thousand entries show how words are used, and the intricacies of grammar and punctuation, and with gentle wit. Bernstein was a consulting editor for THE NEW YORK TIMES who spent his entire working life engaged with the English language, not as a watchdog with bad teeth but a fan. His pleasure in the written word comes across on every page except for the copyright notice. There is no way to make a copyright page interesting and he accepted this fault.


GRAMMAR GIRL’S QUICK AND DIRTY TIPS FOR BETTER WRITING by Mignon Fogarty (NY: Henry Holt, 2008), $14.00

You want self-serving? GRAMMAR GIRL is based on the Web site (http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com) hosted by Mignon Fogarty. Every week she posts new podcasts that address the many questions that confront anyone who puts finger to keyboard. I’m a semi-regular guest writer for her site, and by putting in this mention of her book I get another extension on the latest deadline I’ve missed. Mignon solves each problem with a practical solution, and no stops in between for pedantry. How utilitarian is she in regular life? The woman gives batteries for Christmas gifts.


THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH by Sal Glynn (Fort Bragg, CA: Cypress House, 2006), $14.95

I’ll tout this book until the American Booksellers Association pries the last copy from my cold, dead fingers. Just try. Many nice people have said nice things about THE DOG. Here is my favorite from Mr. Detroit: “Ink and paper have never been combined so artfully as in THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET. Writers of all stripes, shapes, and sizes will thrill to the wisdom within. Of great benefit are the chapters on how publishing works, writer’s health, and the need for successive drafts. That THE DOG was passed over for several prestigious awards and grants still astounds me. Can I go now?” Yes, you may.


NEXT: Another Collar

VOTING BY THE BOOK: Treeing the Cat


(NOTE: The site has new colors, yet is still the same site to make rude comments about in spare moments. This is called marketing: Change the look and recycle the content so readers in search of the new will log on, and punch in their credit card numbers to buy whatever you are selling. In this way, the economy can grow in the most trying of times. Smart marketers deposit their money in offshore accounts. Domestic banks are not to be trusted, especially those owned by Republicans.)


Many letters have come to THE DOG with the question, “What is an argument?” The most forceful of the queries was written in green crayon on the back of racy postcard from Rio de Janeiro, possibly the work of Mr. Detroit, whose deft comments have been missing from this site. The argument is a literary form whose roots go back to Ancient Greece. Aristotle defined the argument as consisting of three parts: thesis, antithesis, and synthesis. Thesis states the premise, like “red meat is bad for you,” and proves it. Antithesis gathers facts to disprove the thesis, like “red meat has loads of protein and is good for you.” Synthesis weighs the thesis and antithesis, and arrives at a conclusion that proves and disproves both factions, like “eat more fish.” The following illustrates how the contemporary argument is shaped.


SARAH PALIN IS THE ANTICHRIST


Recent brain donor and Alaska governor Sarah Palin has ascended to Republican vice presidential nominee, and promises to bolster a McCain presidency with her own bizarre politics. Questioned about her knowledge of the international scene, Palin replied, “As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska.” Come on, Sarah. The Russians know about the summer black fly infestation. Besides, they’re not even commies any more.

She began her political life screeching at local Parent Teacher Association meetings and running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska on a platform that played up her church work, railed against abortion, and said nice things about the National Rifle Association. While mayor, she mentioned her deranged desire to ban books she believed to be morally objectionable. Palin hung in for two terms as mayor before she went on to become Alaska’s governor and demand polar bears be taken off the endangered species list. This is who we want in a Vice President, a candidate whose gender has been recalled by the National Organization of Women?

Let’s take a more reasoned look at concerned citizen and parent Sarah Palin.

While the boss of Wasilla, Palin cut property taxes, improved roads and sewers, and hired more police. The town doubled its population from 5000 to 10,000 under her stewardship, and attracted Target and other box stores. The once messy homesteaded farmland of Wasilla was tidied into a suburb, where the residents enjoy food from cans and vacuum-sealed pouches instead of raised in dirt. Palin loves progress.

She was a mayor that knew the power of the written word. Palin asked the town librarian, Mary Ellen Emmons (now Baker), about banning books from the public library. Emmons promised “to resist all efforts at censorship” if this happened and was fired. Local residents made a big fuss until Emmons was reinstated. Palin protects readers from books that aren’t right.

As the mother of five, Palin has gone out of her way to protect all children. She wants creationism taught in schools alongside evolution so they can make a choice on what to believe. Sex education is another area of concern for Palin. Where children are encouraged to make adult decisions about how the heck humans got here, she supports sex education that only teaches abstinence. This has proven most effective in her family, where 17-year-old daughter Bristol is expecting her first child. Palin puts children first above rational thought.

Since the days of Richard Nixon, the America’s highest office has changed to an imperial presidency, and does whatever it wants without the agreement of Congress and the Senate except when they get snotty and the President has to pay some attention. The two-term reign of George W. Bush has increased the sovereignty to include the Vice President. Richard Cheney has modified the office to include the right to shoot your friends without criminal charges, or make them rich with by privatizing the war in Iraq.

Many people have come forth since Sarah Palin’s nomination. Deepak Chopra has written: “Palin reinforces the overall message of the reactionary right, which has been in play since 1980, that social justice is liberal-radical, that minorities and immigrants, being different from “us” pure American types, can be ignored, that progressivism takes too much effort and globalism is a foreign threat.” Eve Ensler, author of THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, states: “I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country choose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas, that America may never recover.”

We have come a long way since President Lyndon Johnson referred to Vice President Hubert Humphrey as, “Hubert who?” This November, make a responsible decision in the polling booth. Your vote may be counted this time, unless you live in Florida or Ohio. Take along the words of Brendan Behan: “I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.” Better still, instead of voting against, vote for someone other than yourself. Vote for the doomed and the damned, the dispossessed and the huddled masses we are supposed to care about. Vote for everyone.


GRAMMAR GIRL GETS DOG


GRAMMAR GIRL is a Web site hosted by Mignon Fogarty, and deals with the everyday problems of putting thoughts into words. Mignon has told Oprah about split infinitives and appeared in THE NEW YORK TIMES, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, and USA TODAY. I’m a semi-regular guest writer for her podcast and since she touts my book, I tout hers, the NYT bestseller is GRAMMAR GIRL’S QUICK AND DIRTY TIPS FOR BETTER WRITING (NY: Henry Holt, $14.00). Check out GRAMMAR GIRL here:

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/


NEXT: Trimming the Claws

READ LIKE AN AMAZON: Howls From the Kennel


(NOTE: Stuck for a synonym? Messed up over metaphors? Iron a shirt. The order is simple: collar, yoke, cuffs, and sleeves before front to back to front. Few pleasures outdo a well-laundered and well-pressed cotton shirt. No polyester or poly blend comes close, and linen is only good for the extra hot days. Slip on the shirt and secondary erogenous zones will screech a happy holler. This is the writing life, at its most rewarding in the private moments.)

From papyri to parchment to paper, the book has followed innovation since the word was recorded. The clumsy and expensive Kindle promises to change the book again. Walt Mossberg kept a straight face while he interviewed Jeffrey P. Bezos, chairman, president, and chief executive of Amazon.com, for the June 9, 2008 issue of the WALL STREET JOURNAL. For a man who made millions selling books online, Bezos must not read very much.


BEZOS: Over some time horizon, books will be read on electronic devices. Physical books won't completely go away, just as horses haven't completely gone away. But there is no sinecure for any technology. If you think about books, it's astonishing. It's very hard to find a technology that has remained in mostly the same form for 500 years. And anything that has stubbornly resisted improvement for 500 years is going to be hard to improve.


THE DOG: What the heck does “some time horizon” mean? As far as a sinecure for printed books, they take a lot of effort by writers, typographers, and printers. From an idea to a finished book takes two years. Much of this is spent with the writing but to drop all the parts of the process into one puddle is senseless.


BEZOS: We see [Kindle] as an effort to improve upon the book, even though it's resisted change for 500 years.

THE DOG: The book mirrors technological change. Five hundred years ago type was set one letter at a time and dabbed with ink balls. Typography since has gone through every twist and turn imaginable, from Linotype to Monotype to photocomposition to digital. Some innovations have been more successful than others. Digital type sucked when it first arrived. Typographers put their heads down and solved the problems of the new process.


BEZOS: …you have to capture the essential element of a book, which is that it disappears when you get into the flow of the story. None of us when we're reading a book think about the ink and the glue and the stitching. All that fades away, and you get into the author's universe.

THE DOG: A good book is a collaboration of writer, typographer, printer, and reader. In Beatrice Warde’s essay, “The Crystal Goblet, or Printing Should Be Invisible,” she states, “The book typographer has the job of erecting a window between the reader inside the room and that landscape which is the author’s words.” This is done with the physical form, joined to make an engaging experience. To toss out the parts of a book is to prefer protein powder over a grilled lamb chop. What's for lunch, Jeff?


BEZOS: Sometimes big, heavy hardcover books do break you out of the flow because you get hand fatigue. Or turning pages can be loud if you have a spouse sleeping next to you. There are things about physical books that we're accustomed to but that actually aren't very good.


THE DOG: Get a gym membership. The main problem with the physical book are the twits that want to reduce it to a download commodity with no respect for the form.


BEZOS: But you also can't ever out-book the book. You need to look for a series of things that you can do with an electronic device like Kindle that you could never do with a physical book.
Some of them can be pretty simple, like dictionary lookup. I find I don't know what lots of words mean, and I used to guess because—am I really going to get up off of the sofa and go find a dictionary?


THE DOG: Reading is active, not passive. Unless the book is an academic treatise, most are edited for a ninth grade reading level so publishers don’t have to hear dumb complaints like this. Switch to network television for brain numbing.


BEZOS: Over the last 20 years, most of the tools that we humans have invented have made it easier for us to be information snackers. If one of the outcomes of Kindle and other devices like it [is] making long-form reading more frictionless so that you end up doing more of it, I think that's a good thing.


THE DOG: Do I have to make a comment on this? Information snackers have as much connection with knowledge as marmots do with knitting.


GRAMMAR GIRL GETS DOG


GRAMMAR GIRL is a Web site hosted by Mignon Fogarty, and deals with the everyday problems of putting thoughts into words so anyone, even Jeff Bezos, can understand them. Mignon has told Oprah about split infinitives and appeared in THE NEW YORK TIMES, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, and USA TODAY. On June 26, I’ll be the guest writer for her podcast on the use and nasty abuse of slang. She also has a new book coming out next month, GRAMMAR GIRL’S QUICK AND DIRTY TIPS FOR BETTER WRITING (NY: Henry Holt, $14.00). Check out GRAMMAR GIRL here.



A CLASS FOR THOSE WITH CLASS

“Book Proposals Basics for Beginners” is a one-day workshop taught by me and sponsored by Book Passage on Saturday, August 9, 2008. The event will be held from 10:00 AM to 4:00 PM at 51 Tamal Vista Boulevard in Corte Madera, CA.

The book proposal is the single most important tool in the development of a book. It is a sales tool for the writer to find an agent, and through them a publisher. The proposal also provides a map for the final manuscript. Topics include query letters, writing for clarity, research, developing a platform, and working with agents. Sal Glynn is a freelance editor and writer who has edited more than 300 books for publishers on both coasts, and the writer of THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH. The gig costs $95 (an outrageous bargain) and enrollment is through the Book Passage Bookstore:
51 Tamal Vista Boulevard
Corte Madera, CA 94925
(415) 927-0960
(800) 999-7909
Fax (415) 924-3838
www.bookpassage.com


NEXT: Treeing the Cat