WORD ABUSE: Paper Training the Wolfhound

(NOTE Are you poor, forlorn and hungry?/Are there lots of things you lack?/Is your life made up of misery?/Then dump the bosses off your back./Are your clothes all patched and tattered?/Are you living in a shack?/Would you have your troubles scattered?/Then dump the bosses off your back.)

Millions of words in thousands of languages float from ear to page to eye. The choices available to the modern writer are enough that repetition should rarely occur, but it does, and too often. This frustrates the modern reader in search of good writing. Instead of clarity, the reader has to wade through the mush of generalizations caused by words so over- and misused they have lost their original sparkle and intent.

Finding the right word for the right place is never easy. This makes an etymological dictionary the writer’s best friend, right next to welcoming librarians, kindly bartenders, prompt mail carriers, and compassionate computer technicians. Know your word before you use it. When you are absolutely, positively, hands-down, thumbs-up sure of the meaning and usage of a word, check it again before whacking at the keyboard.

GET RID OF THE WAY

No one knows the way, but nonfiction especially is full of ways to find the way: A Long Way Gone, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, Ways of Reading (an abominable title for a swell book), The Way I See It, The Way I Am, The Way to Cook (shame on you, Julia Child), The Way We Work, and too many more to follow. “Way” as a general term for method or direction has become meaningless from overuse. Before your fingers start to type out this word, stop and think about specifics. You could mean highways, byways, streets, and roads, or strategy, practice, and order. The more concise the writing, the bigger thrill for the reader.

A STEP IN THE WRONG DIRECTION

“Step” is almost as bad as “way.” Twelve-step groups, step by step guides, steps for success and the Epiphany, steps to awakening and self-esteem, and steps to quit smoking. With all these steps, it sounds like every reader is expected to climb a staircase that keeps reaching further from the stated goal. Nonfiction writers take note: Readers are fed up with steps. Give them more than this dull, hackneyed word. Instead of “take steps,” use “take action,” or better still, say the action. Laziness always shows itself, and yours should be kept hidden from the reader. Sleep late instead.

CO-CONSPIRATORIAL GIBBERISH

Conspiracies are in government and against the present government, between friends, and wherever money can be found, like banking and big business (also known as collusion when it comes to trial). The word is straightforward until someone does something dumb like sticking on the prefix “co-.” A co-conspirator is a conspirator that is conspiring with another conspirator in a conspiracy, most likely something nasty. “Conspiracy” is for two or more people to plot. Involvement in a conspiracy makes you a conspirator and adding the “co-” prefix trips the root word over its shoelaces. No matter if you have seen the word appear in journalism or high-priced hardcovers, it is wrong.

Knowledge of the tools of writing, the words, helps fiction and nonfiction writers say what he or she wants with precision. Think of words as a treasured resource to be celebrated in every sentence. Create your own standards of what constitutes clear and accurate writing, and follow them. Be ready to change these at any time; usage is affected by time and genre. Never settle for less than your best.

READY, STEADY, FLOW

A holiday that involves naked cherubs is bound to be disappointing. Men and women will receive cards and gifts from men and women they don’t like, and nothing from the men and women they do like. Break the wretched cycle by giving the best guide to writing and book publishing, The Dog Walked Down the Street: An Outspoken Guide for Writers Who Want to Publish (Cypress House, $13.95), to everyone you know, regardless of gender. Eventually you will hit the right combination. Push your cursor over to www.indiebound.com and the address for an independent bookstore near you will appear. By the bag or by the box, this is the best investment for your romantic future. Too many cooks crowd the kitchen.

NEXT: Weaning the Whiner

CALLING ON THE MUSES: When Snow Gets in Your Fur

(NOTE: And they all play on the golf course/And drink their martinis dry/And they all have pretty children/And the children go to school,/And the children go to summer camp/And then to the university/Where they are put in boxes/And they come out all the same.)

Writers can be stuck on the first line, how to invent an opening sentence with enough sparkle and promise to pull the reader inside. Looking at the classics gives little relief: “Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead…” and “A screaming comes across the sky” and “Call me Ishmael.” Is your first line better than any of these? Poets & Writers magazine carries a regular feature of opening sentences from recently released books called, “Page One: Where New and Noteworthy Books Begin,” adding to the problem. Everyone can write a good opening sentence except you.

PAGAN RELIEF

Rewrites and edits shaped your manuscript until the focus is on the elegance of the writing, the rhythms established by paragraph and chapter length. Writers can stumble at the opening sentence by letting worries of agents and editors intrude on the needs and integrity of the story. No amount of caffeinated beverages can help but the Muses wait for the right entreaty to give their aid.

In Greek myth, Zeus, the big boss of everything, and Mnemosyne, goddess of memory who remembered everything except basic human biology, had nine daughters known as the Muses. Writers and artists of several disciplines began by calling on the women to guide them, like Homer at the beginning of The Odyssey asking, “tell me of the man of many wiles/the man who wandered many paths of exile…” The Muses did the telling while Homer inked the words on papyrus.

CHOOSE THE RIGHT ONE

Specialization is the rule when calling down the Muses. Clio is best for history and historical fiction, Urania is for stargazers and not much help unless used for a plot device, and Melpomene lets the tears flow in tragedy. Thalia is the goofy daughter who keeps the comedy laughing, Terpsichore dances for the balletomanes, Calliope answered Homer’s plea for an epic and useful for multi-generational sagas, and Erato is fifty shades of useful when contemplating a love poem, or erotic novel. Polyhymnia is the religious one and ready to assist with any paean to her parents, while Euterpe is eager to whisper in the shell-like ear of the lyric poet huddled against the cold in his or her garret.

Contacting the Muses is done without the usual animal sacrifice, or even burning pine boughs laden with incense. Simple, heart-felt, sub-vocal begging will do. The days on Mount Olympus are very long and dull without broadband access, and any distraction is much appreciated by these women.

BACK TO THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM

A writer unhappy with his or her opening sentence makes for miserable company and has a tendency to profound sulks. Never let problems stop you. Tingle your fingertips on the keys or keyboard and write a paragraph that you promise to drop later; this is why the “Delete” key and erasers were invented. Many times a solution will present itself as the writing progresses. Tap out several approaches and let them sit while you attend to the characters, setting, and plot. The opening sentence is simpler than you think, also more complicated and exhausting. Every writer goes through a similar process as they search for a solution. Whether it has the greatness of a classic is subjective. Only through writing will the appropriate opening sentence appear. Worry instead of action rarely produces anything worth reading.

READY TO WEAR

Making books is tough, and only the tough keep going. The toughest book on writing and the workings of the ever-changing, occasionally crushing world of publishing is The Dog Walked Down the Street: An Outspoken Guide for Writers Who Want to Publish (Cypress House, $13.95). Already a bargain with its wealth of information and advice, the cover also matches the color of any spring outfit you may be contemplating. Buy several copies for yourself and fashion-conscious friends by logging on to www.indiebound.com for the independent bookstore near you, where friendly staff can also assist in the choice between taffeta and tulle. The hidden better stay there.

NEXT: Running After the Sparrows

GET EDITED AND AVOID THE RUSH: Fashionable Outerwear for Pit Bulls

(NOTE: Oh Mr. Noah /
Oh Mr. Noah / May I take a ride
/ In the Ark of the Lord / ‘Cause it’s gettin’ mighty dark /
Gonna rain mighty hard /
Doodly do
/ Doodly do
/ Doodly doodly doodly
/ Doodly doodly do. / Oh no, you can’t sir
 / Oh no, you can’t sir /
You may not ride
 / In the Ark of the Lord
/ ‘Tho it’s gettin’ mighty dark
/ Gonna rain mighty hard /
Doodly do
/ Doodly do
/ Doodly doodly doodly
/ Doodly doodly do / Well, go to the devil sir
/ Well, go to the devil sir
 / You can go to the devil /
In your durned old scow /
’Cause you know darn well /
It won’t rain anyhow
/
Doodly do…)

Every trade and craft takes a hit when a recession goes on and on, regardless of any positive prognostication. Publishing is no different. The chain stores that touted their acres of aisles as the future of bookselling are now closing doors and moving to Detroit, but not before rewarding their execs with big bonuses for failure. Small publishers fold and independent publishers are eaten by the big ones or gobbled up by private equity firms. What about the book itself? Readers still care about books, even as their value declines according to formulas dreamed up by the MBAs that fudged their final exams and now run e-commerce.

A skip and hop through the comments about new books on Amazon.com shows that editors are still needed, and right now. Complaints about spelling, mangled syntax, passive sentence construction, and general confusion are spread between nonfiction and fiction books. Nice covers mean nothing when the writing begs for a little tightening or an argument flops from missing that last set of eyes on the manuscript before it went to press.

What the hands-on editor brings to a book cannot be quantified as contributing to its success or failure, only that the cost of editing dips into profits that should go directly to inflated executive salaries. Little is left over for the fussy, demanding, green eyeshade-wearing, and actual working editor. He or she can often be found slumped over in exhaustion from explaining what they do. An editor brings shape and form to a manuscript, keeps the writer honest, and is the first reader in what is hoped to be a long line of readers. An editor is as important part in making a book as a printer.

Like other aspects that used to be the publisher’s responsibility (marketing and publicity anyone?), the decision to have a manuscript edited is left to the writer. A publisher agrees to pay for the printing and not much else. Warehousing maybe, but check your contract. Editors within publishing houses are kept busy negotiating contracts, filling out spreadsheets, and sitting in meeting after meeting after meeting, and rarely have time left over for basic hygiene. Agents try to take on some of the workload, but a look at their web sites shows that agents want complete, ready-to-sell manuscripts. Anything less means a short trip to the recycling bin.

Here comes the freelance editor to rescue the writer. These men and women of the blue pencil are terrific folk who never quit, on account of it’s the only word they can’t spell properly without referring to a dictionary. Quiet or quiz? One of those. No matter how many books a writer reads about being your own editor, hiring a freelancer is best. They dig into a story’s pacing, point of view, character development, and whether the argument holds water better than a vestal virgin’s sieve. The freelance editor also keeps a writer’s vague classical illusions to a minimum.

The freelance editor believes in the importance of the book. In THE IMMORTAL PROFESSION: THE JOYS OF TEACHING AND LEARNING, Gilbert Highet says, “Those are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but MINDS alive on the shelves. From each of them goes out its own voice, as inaudible as the streams of sound conveyed by electrical waves beyond the range of our hearing; and just as the touch of a button on our stereo will fill the room with music, so by opening one of these volumes, one can call into range a voice far distant in time and space, and hear it speaking, mind to mind, heart to heart.”

After a long day of consulting dictionaries and THE CHICAGO MANUAL OF STYLE, and going back through to see if they missed something, the freelance editor gets a good night’s rest by reciting past participles in alphabetical order: arisen, borne, beaten, begun, bent, bet, bitten, bled, blown, broken, brought, built, burst, bought, caught, chosen, come, cost, crept, and on into the night. Only the lame will settle for counting sheep.


THE BLANKET THAT HAS SLEEVES

Instead of spending your hard-earned green on a dumb Snuggie, every faithful reader and writer should buy THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95). Oh heck, you say, why should I walk down to my favorite independent bookstore and demand a copy of this swell book? On account of you care, dear sweet reader. You can also care by logging on to www.indiebound.com. Every copy is printed on paper, using ink and bound into a real classy cover. Do it.


NEXT: The Beauty of the Leash

MEA MAXIMA CULPA OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT: Bones for the Boneless

(NOTE: A writer apologizes many times through the course of his or her career for mistakes being caught by watchful readers and personal gaffes made in public. Humility is important when making the apology, except when blame can be assigned. This situation allows the application of slander and libel to avoid responsibility. When in the silly position of having to make an apology, remember that somewhere else someone is getting away with what you got caught doing. Take comfort in knowing that the next time your vile behavior may go unnoticed, or even be accepted.)


After private screeds and foul-tempered blog entries that called down the Furies to attack the digital greed-heads, THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET is now available in a Kindle edition. What happened, why this change in attitude? Simple. I didn’t read the contract.

When Cynthia Frank, the publisher of Cypress House (hereafter known as the “Publisher”), and I went through contract details during a dinner at Pane e Vino, most of my concerns were about having the book set in Bembo. This is a fine classic typeface, revived by Monotype in the early twentieth century, and never looks weak, weary, or dull. THE DOG must have a bookish look, I said, since it is about the making of books. Other parts of the contract were glossed over on account of I could not see making a fuss over film rights (still open to anyone willing to make the investment) or audio or translation or any other minutia that crowd into standard boilerplate contracts. The publisher trusted me to deliver the manuscript on time and I trusted her to produce a well-designed book, but we were not dumb enough to enter into a partnership without a contract. Even the most solid of friendships has limits.

Imagine my horror at finding out THE DOG was in the process of being converted to a Kindle edition. What is a book, especially my book, without type and paper and cover? Nothing more than a bunch of text floundering in search of a form. Respite from the digital world is necessary for any attempt at writing, whether another cookbook or free-ranging novel of insights and goofy dreams, and THE DOG was meant to have its spine broken and be stuck on a writer’s desk right next to Merriam Webster’s Medical Desk Dictionary, last used to look up the correct spelling for “anaphylactic.” With a fire-hose blast of abuse at the ready, I was drawn back to the contract. In twelve-point type under “Secondary Rights” glared my defeat:

The rights granted to Publisher, and Publisher’s licenses, under this Agreement include (in addition to all other rights described herein) the right to prepare, publish, use, adapt reproduce sell and otherwise distribute electronic versions of the Work.

Darn. She had me. The section went on to list “any and all physical media now known of or hereafter devised including, without limitation, magnetic tape, floppy disks, CD-ROM, DVD, game cartridges, laser disk, optical disk, IC card or chip, eBook, sound recordings, programs for machine teachings, ephemeral screen flashings or reproductions thereof, Internet downloadable books, PDF, Adobe Reader, Microsoft Reader, SoftBook, and any other human or machine-readable medium….” Slap me twice and call me silly. A little bit of attention in the right direction would have saved me from this embarrassment.

Now I have to give the proper support to my publisher and book by touting this new edition. For those who enjoyed the physical book comes the latest leap in digital thrills: THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET: AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95) is available in a Kindle version for the low sum of $9.99. No more lost Post-It notes or water stains and every page is a clean page for your perusal and delight. A backlit DOG is yours for the asking at www.amazon.com. Buy early and buy often. Batteries not included.

(On a budgetary note, Amazon does not give free copies to publishers or writers of any Kindle edition. This is kind of cheap and shows a lack of interest in developing goodwill. Not like I’d read THE DOG in any form but paper.)


NEXT: Water dog on dry land

WRITING IS WAITING: Distemper of Our Times

(NOTE: Most human interaction is not a lot of fun. There are few people you can impress while wearing tattered jeans and a tee shirt, but their numbers increase thanks to social networking. Appearances need no longer be a worry thanks to the new killer apps. Hooray! Go wild and slip into the slinky, daring, and revealing before you approach the keyboard. No one will ever know, especially after you close the blinds against the creep across the street that has his telescope trained on your window.)


WORDS COLLIDE ON NEURAL PATHWAY, ADJECTIVES UNHARMED

Writing takes patience. The computer has to boot up, the coffee be ready, and the neighbor answer his or her annoying alarm clock before any work is started. Confronting the blank screen with a blank mind only makes for a longer delay. What do I say? How do I say it? Should I darn socks instead? The answers come while you are waiting.

John Gardner got stuck when writing his MICKELSSON’S GHOSTS (NY: Knopf, 1982 and if you haven’t read this novel yet, shame on you). Jessica, his heroine, was offered an hors d’oeuvre at a party and John had no idea whether or not she accepted it. His equivocating over the scene showed him that he knew nothing about her. Instead of soldiering on, he stopped and went into his workshop to build furniture. He waited until Jessica became a fully realized character and decided about the hors d’oeuvre, left his workshop for his study, and began writing again.

Waiting is not the same as writer’s block on account of writer’s block is used too often as an excuse for substance abuse. Either you want to write or you don’t. If you do, nothing will stop you, not sciatica, a pile of rejection slips taller than your stack of manuscripts, bad weather, good weather, the rash that refuses to heal even with prescription ointment, blurred vision, past due rent, hangnails, and broken pipes. Writers write, or think about writing.

For those under deadline, waiting is not acceptable and action must be taken to shake off the mental torpor. Here a few tricks to help re-start the words.


TAKING UP THE PEN

Go to the kitchen table and open the windows and doors for lots of air. Take a pen (that stick you use to sign checks) and paper and copy out the last paragraph you wrote before getting stuck. Now start scribbling. Being away from your laptop is kind of fun, right? Treat writing by hand like finger painting, with swirls when you need them and harsh lines blocking out the color. After you fill five or six pages, return to the computer and keyboard the stuff. Now you are better.





HUNT AND PECK TO SUCCESS

Okay, the handwriting made your fingers cramp and you did not like the results. Return to the kitchen table and this time bring along a manual typewriter. You should have one in the back of your bedroom closet or next to the case of 40W oil in the garage. Take the machine out of its case and clean with a toothbrush and rags. Roll in a fresh sheet of paper, stare at the keys in post-modern wonder, and type. Think of how many fat novels and wild, intense treatises have been knocked out in such a manner. Samuel Clemens lost a fortune investing in one of the early typewriters; Dashiell Hammett used to walk Market Street in San Francisco, picking up flyers to use for his first typed drafts. Join the tradition.


BLAME THE MUSES

When the words still refuse to show themselves, this may be the result of forces outside of your control. The nine daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne known as the muses are messing with you. Calliope takes care of epic song, Clio is history, Euterpe inspires lyric song, Melpomene does tragedy, Terpsichore is the dance, Erato fills the dirty mind with erotic poetry, Polyhymnia cleans up with sacred song, Urania looks to astronomy, and Thalia gives comic relief and the poetry of sylvan glades. Homer asked his chosen muse to sing to him before starting THE ODYSSEY. You can sing to all of them for not handing out their gifts in a timely fashion:

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all, you never call, baby
When you say you will, but I love you still
I need you, more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten,” you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then
I went to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

Baby, baby, try to find
A little time and I'll make you happy
I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone, waiting for you

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all, you never call, baby
When you say you will, but I love you still
I need you, more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

You were my toy but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so?

Baby, baby, try to find
A little time and I'll make you happy
I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone, waiting for you

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all, you never call, baby
When you say you will, but I love you still
I need you more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

I need you more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

“Build Me Up Buttercup” by Mike d'Abo and Tony Macaulay
Copyright © EMI Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music Inc.


You can also read a swell book titled, THE DOG WALKED DOWN THE STREET:AN OUTSPOKEN GUIDE FOR WRITERS WHO WANT TO PUBLISH (Cypress House, $13.95), available at fine independent bookstores everywhere.



NEXT: Whimpers on the Doorstep